The Sunday before last I didn't go to church. Not an unusual event particularly - I miss one or two every now and then when I'm out of town or busy or ill or whatever, and I had been every Sunday for many weeks previously and went again the next week.
But this was the first Sunday I missed when I could have gone, when I failed to attend for no reason at all. It wasn't an active decision just a lethargy, an unwillingness that sapped my self discipline and my energy. Of course, waking up and getting out of bed on a Sunday morning never comes easily but this time it was even worse than usual.
So why did it happen? Sadly I can think of one reason, that a few days earlier I had had some good news, winning a competitive scholarship, and, flushed with my own achievement, success and self reliance, I simply didn't see space for religion in my life. I was thankful, grateful and still intellectually curious about church but empty of that appreciation for God which should be part and parcel of our daily life.
Today I read an interview with actor Tom Hollander (who plays a vicar in a BBC sitcom called 'Rev') who said he was surprised at how many vicars go through agnostic periods, that theirs is a true 'relationship' with God. I feel a bit ashamed of how I felt last weekend but I also know that it comes as part of trying to live religiously and failing.
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